I went into shock. As I went
through all the necessary motions my mind kept telling me,
NO "this isn't real…. This can't be happening."
Viewing the demolished cars still at the scene, unzipping
the body bag which reveals a cold, lifeless child who just
hours earlier was a loving energetic, vivacious 18-year-old,
the funeral, the emptiness, the tears…. Memories, all
so clear! It could have happened yesterday but it didn't.
The death of our daughter happened a couple years ago! I
still get choked up, then the tears come, and the emptiness
prevails. I hurt!
As I recall the happenings
of those early morning hours, I KNOW that in only one split
second, my family was devastated, never to be whole again
one family member torn away by an act of stupidity, one
that could have been avoided! How many mothers today will
hear these words?
"There's been an accident!
It is very frightening when
you realize how vulnerable we really are. Death can come
quickly and without warning. As we drive the roadways we
are rarely concerned about our safety except in bad weather.
Normally we don't contemplate that an on-coming car could
suddenly cross over the centerline! As I approach this hill,
could there be a drunk driver in my lane on the other side?
Am I safe at a stop sign, or will I be rear-ended? Is it
safe to go ahead on a green light or will someone under
the influence think their red light is green and hit my
vehicle broadside. Everyday at any time of the day or night
these incidences do occur. A large percentage of these reckless
drivers are impaired by alcohol and/or other drugs.
On that Monday night Tina
was driving home with no concern for her safety. Why should
she? It was a clear, summer night, and she was driving on
a familiar road, in the proper lane. She did not know that
a car was speeding towards her coming up the other side
of the hill with a driver in impaired condition, driving
at high speed and not having control of his car. After going
onto the right shoulder of the highway, he over-corrected
at the crest of the hill, and slammed into Tina's car. Reportedly
the speed of his vehicle was 90 mph. The driver of the car
behind Tina repeatedly said that she didn't have a chance,
it came too quickly." Today while I drive on that road
I often think, Tina was driving as I am now. She died on
this road. It is so scary to KNOW these things do really
happen.
Every day I live with the
fear of another phone call, a knock on the door and being
told, "there's been an accident." Oh God, I couldn't
make it through that again. My friends think I am back to
normal now because I laugh and joke and do familiar things
again. However most don't know the emptiness, the pain and
the loss I feel. Every day there are reminders of what happened
and then the thoughts of what life would be if Tina were
with us today. Tina's sister, Tammy, is married now and
has a child. What is missed is the loving, caring and sharing
it all with Tina ...
Today when I observe people
riding their horses along the side of the road I have only
the memory when Tina and I would go horseback riding together.
I always thought that one day Tina and her own children
would enjoy this same activity together. A broken dream!
Instead all I have is her
garden on the farm where she is buried.
